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Dad tips: How to handle the ‘boyfriend’ phase
When your daughter broaches this age-old subject, use this as a teachable moment.
If you're a dad of a teenage girl, you know the phase I'm talking about. It's a phase many dads fear. It's also a phase most of us are unprepared for.
Yes, we know this phase is coming. At times, we have the nagging feeling that this phase has overtaken us, and all we can do is play catch-up.
I am talking about the boyfriend phase. This is the phase that causes some men to think about the poor hearts they broke, and if, to pay for their sins, their daughter will be dealt a bad hand.
Join the dots
Fellas, if your daughter tells you she wants to introduce you to a “friend”, don't freak out. You have been identified as the most understanding one. You may not know it, but before your daughter decided to ask you if she may introduce you to a “friend”, she did her homework, and you passed the trust test with flying colours.
Our daughters are smart. To emotionally soften the blow, they'll remove the word boy from the equation and just say, friend. They're testing the waters.
Although your daughter knows you're understanding, she doesn't want to tell you everything. She wants you to join the dots.
The one who gets it
Don't grill your daughter like you're a cop in the abduction squad and you want to extract subversive info from her. Easy does it, pal.
You're not just the good cop, but you're the “get it” cop. Your daughter has approached you because she believes you get it; you know where she's coming from.
The one who gets it doesn't condemn normal emotions, but he guides his daughter on how such emotions are rightly reciprocated.
When most of us think about our daughters getting into a relationship, the first thing that comes to our minds is sex. Plus all its accompanying complexities. But this line of thought often clouds our judgment and may cause us to read the riot act.
When your daughter says she has a “friend”, don't preface this important chapter of her life with countless hours of sex talk. There's a time and place for everything. Sex is a heavy and emotional topic. Stepping on it too soon can be akin to stepping on a landmine.
If you're not careful, this landmine can kill the trust your daughter accorded you. And with such issues, once you're kicked out of the trust circle, your leadership skills will account for nothing as she will want to hear nothing you're saying.
Teachable moment
When your daughter broaches this age-old subject, use this as a teachable moment. Teach her about the facts of life. Teach her about relationships. Teach her about boys. Hey, teach her about red flags.
Teaching doesn't mean lecturing. It means gently leading her to make the right decisions. And if, perchance, she gets it wrong, she won't fear coming back to your rod and staff, not to condemn her but to comfort her.
Keep your word
This means that, if you've sworn to your daughter that you won't tell anyone about this “friend”, you keep your word. Keep your word until such a time as you know you can share this info, without breaking the sanctity of the safe space your daughter found perceived in you.
Look, you want your daughter to trust you and come to you with everything. It can be a tough balancing act. But discretion is the key word.