Is it normal for a man to go drinking every weekend?

Hi Zulu,

I think my husband is a drunkard. He leaves the house every Friday morning to go to work and comes home between 2:30 and 5:30 a.m. Sometimes, we can't sleep after he comes because he makes so much noise and often vomits all over.

We have four kids, and I have to wake up and open the windows before they wake up. Mark you, the last born is just a few weeks old. I attend clinics alone, and this guy doesn't even know.

Is it normal to drink every weekend, or am I just a nagging wife? For context, I am 34. He is 40. We have been married for 12 years. He has been physically violent five times. He only paid the dowry, no legal marriage yet.

Dear reader,

You can't change people's character for sure. But you can choose which types of character will coexist with you.

Let me introduce you to standards and personal preferences. These are decisions you make about how you want to conduct your life and engage with others. They're usually derived from your concept of self.

You determine what kind of life you deserve when you find out who you are. Whatever happens in your life always comes from who you think you are.

This concept of self is both developmental and personal. It is developmental in that the logical brain from which we derive our identity doesn't finish growing until we're 25.

This is developmental psychology backed by research. You cannot know who you are before you're 25 because you don't have the brain for it yet. In your case, you started cohabiting at 22. You didn't know who you were or the kind of life you deserved.

Again, what you deserve is derived from who you are. When you don't know who you are, you can't tell what you deserve.

You ask whether you deserve your husband coming home in the wee hours of dawn because you can't answer that question yourself. You don't know who you are.

You already have four children with him, the youngest being just weeks old, so you've decided to build your family there. But still, you're finding his behaviour intolerable. This confusion comes from not knowing who you are.

It's true you're 34 now and no longer 22. But why haven't you moved on from that mindset? Why do you call a cohabiting arrangement marriage, for example, knowing full well you can't stand in court and claim to be married to this man? You're still stuck at 22.

This is explained by another law of psychology around marriage. Marriage tends to freeze you at the level of growth you were at when you entered it. The person you marry or get into marriage arrangements with will usually marry that version of you. That's the version they're most comfortable with.

If you transform yourself too much, there will be a disconnect, and the marriage could end.

So, what happens if you were in your pre-25 era, didn't know yourself, didn't have clear standards on what you wanted, and just went with the flow? That's the precedent. That's what they'll expect from you.

You will only get lucky if the person loves growth and allows you to evolve with them. But most people are not. They prefer comfort instead. Your attempt to grow will destabilise the marriage.

The best time to start dating and choosing a life partner is after 25, when your brain has matured and you have a consistent personality.

You can know yourself and where you're going with life.

We're not suggesting that everyone over 25 is mature because, remember, there's a personal choice besides the biological development of the brain. Some people don't want responsibility or to live consciously. They won't use their brain even after it has matured.

In short, not everybody over 25 is mature because not everyone wants to live mindfully. But nobody is mature before age 25 because it's not possible biologically.

Can people marry before 25 and grow together? Sure, it's possible. But it's a blind decision and a wide gamble. I don't recommend it.

In my observation, pre-25 dating is the leading cause of bad marriages and the most explosive divorces. In your case, I suggest you retrace your steps and find out who you are.

Use personality tools and determine where you want to go with your life. After that, you'll decide what kind of marriage you'd like, besides the kind of climate you'd like to provide for your children.

Most of these marriages started before women, in particular, know who they are, crumble by the time she is in their mid-30s. The misalignment becomes too painful to bear, and the arrival of children forces many to reconsider their lifestyles.

Some people refuse to reflect and wake up. They continue with unconscious living, and the most unfortunate victims are the children.

They witnessed physical violence, like in your case, alcoholism, strife between parents, and overall, a dysfunctional model of life. That's how generational traumas are planted.

The antidote is healing. Start therapy and conduct self-discovery and recovery from everything you've been through. Once you mentally lift yourself from the rubble, you'll make sound decisions about where to proceed.

Will you state your boundaries and expectations to him and let him decide if he can match them or not? Will you stay or leave once he takes a stand about your expectations? Healing will lead you to these answers.