Here’s how to be a good conversationalist
Pointing out where another person is wrong is pretty irresistible, but it completely kills rapport.
How can you really get along with someone, and have the sort of conversations where there’s a genuine meeting of minds?
Those moments start with learning to be non-judgmental. That doesn’t mean going along with everything you hear, or accepting statements you don’t agree with. It means trying to understand other people’s ideas, especially ideas you don’t share. So, if you hear something you don’t believe is true, instead of making your usual scathing put down, say something like ‘Oh, that’s interesting. I had not thought about it that way. Tell me more…’
Pointing out where another person is wrong is pretty irresistible, but it completely kills rapport. So put your own opinions aside for the moment, and concentrate on understanding theirs, otherwise you’ll both end up becoming defensive, with neither of you willing to listen to something that goes against your beliefs, yet if you try to understand why someone else doesn’t share your ideas, you might learn something new.
It’s also important to listen well. Most people don’t really focus on what their companion’s saying, because they’re already thinking about how they’re going to reply. Impatiently waiting for an opportunity to interrupt.
So really listen. Don’t interrupt, disagree or evaluate. Nod your head, and make brief encouraging noises. From time to time briefly summarise something you just heard, expressing the idea from your companion’s point of view. Ask questions that show you’ve been paying attention and that move the discussion forward.
In fact always ask lots of questions. Ask people about their lives. ‘What’s it like working there?’ Ask for advice. ‘Got any tips on raising chickens?’ Chances are you’ll hear something really interesting. Anytime you ask people to tell you more about themselves or their ideas, you’ll learn something new. And they in turn will want to get to know you better.
Free of judgment
But even if your words are positive and free of judgment, you’ll still sound like some sort of shady con merchant if your body language isn’t right. Because people seem untrustworthy if their words and their body language don’t match.
Start putting that right by developing a sincere smile. Not too small, not too big. And which makes your eye’s crinkle up a little. Keep your chin low so it doesn’t seem like you’re looking down your nose. Tilting your head a little to one side is even better. Avoid standing full on towards a new friend, it will make them feel uneasy. Instead stand at a slight angle.
As you’re talking make gestures that show your palms from time to time, because that says you’re open to their ideas. Avoid compressing your lips or eyebrows as that implies suspicion.
Because if you really want to build a good connection with someone, there has to be trust. You build trust by being non-judgmental and genuinely interested in your companion’s viewpoint. And listening well and sending signals that say you’re sincere. Do all that and you’ll get along fine.