Dilemma: My wife doesn’t want any kind of sex and it’s frustrating…
What you need to know:
- Tip toeing around the conversation will only make things worse.
- You have disclosed to her what you want, in turn you should be ready to hear her truth so that you can mutually address what the future looks like for both of you.
- If being honest can lead to the dissolution of your marriage, then you are in a marriage of convenience playing pretend which is as good as not being married.
After 28 years in marriage, I am now craving another kind of intimacy. Not sex, simply cuddling and being held close while nude. When I suggested it, my wife was not at all interested. She told me she has zero interest in physical intimacy. She then agreed that we could just lie in bed fully clothed, as usual. But this is just awkward and humiliating for me, because it is obvious that she is not invested at all in my presence. At times I consider asking her if she could accept my seeking intimacy elsewhere, but I think this would lead to the end of our marriage. I feel trapped. I love my wife but my resentment is growing.
I understand your agony and frustration. It is disappointing that you feel desperate because the person who should take care of you emotionally is not there for you. Find ways to rekindle the love. Find activities you can do together. If the situation does not improve, consider seeking marriage therapy.
Calvin Queens, Blogger & Writer
Being in marriage for 28 years is commendable and both you must have known each other well. In normal circumstances, some things fade away as people approach old age, and this differs depending on gender. Intimacy needs a sober and stress free mood. In your case, a candid dialogue is needed to salvage your marriage and if possible, visit a sexologist.
Rev Geoffrey Avudiko, Senior Pastor in Mitume P.A.G Church, Kitale
FROM THE EXPERT
What stands out is that you feel trapped and that your resentment is growing. You may love her but it does not change the evident rift between you. You have been together for a long time, which should give you the provision to be brutally honest without seeking to be brutal. Tip toeing around the conversation will only make things worse. You have disclosed to her what you want, in turn you should be ready to hear her truth so that you can mutually address what the future looks like for both of you. If being honest can lead to the dissolution of your marriage, then you are in a marriage of convenience playing pretend which is as good as not being married. A couple who want to be mutually together are living their marriage as opposed to just existing.
Maurice Matheka is a relationships expert
NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA
My last relationship was so, so good. The man was a good lover, and we got married. After four years, the marriage ended and I began exploring intimacy with a new partner. However, last month my ex-wife reappeared and said she wanted to have sex again but not to resume as a couple. I declined, explaining that intimacy worked for me only in the context of a relationship. She then said she wanted to get back together, so our relationship briefly resumed. Two weeks later she said she wanted out again, leaving me feeling I had been duped and manipulated. Now my trust is all gone and I find it impossible to start a new relationship. How do I move on from this feeling?