What men talk about in their WhatsApp groups

“What happens in men's WhatsApp groups?” Donnie blurted.

Donnie is an admin in one of the men's WhatsApp groups I'm in. Donnie is a straight-up dude.

For all spouses who think their men are up to no good, below are the five things that happen in men's WhatsApp groups.

Bread and butter

This refers to real issues of life. Illnesses. Immortality. The state of the nation. Geopolitics. The works.

Men, old or young, often discuss real-life issues. Why? Because we know that time and situations will catch up with us. The great thing is, when discussing complex issues, men do not shame their mates who, as our Naija brothers say, “were faster than the knowledge which was chasing them”.

The same unwritten rule of mutual respect is adhered to when moneyed and broke mates interact.

If only the powers-that-be would tap into some of the solutions discussed in men's WhatsApp groups, this nation would be better for it.

Bible

Men's WhatsApp groups have saints and “ain'ts”. But it's all good because these two groups know how to tolerate each other. Sure, they can be at each other's neck, but - because topics often change faster than a Kenyan politician swapping allegiance - the group moves on to the next trending topic.

When it comes to religious matters, all men's WhatsApp groups have a designated Bible verse dispenser. This is the dude who, every crack of dawn, without fail, drops a Bible verse, a prayer or both.

The strange thing is, when the designated dispenser fails to carry out his duty, even dyed-in-the-wool atheists notice and will inquire about it.

And you want to know what's stranger than fiction? Sometimes the verse dispenser ain't no saint. No judgement, though. Bros don't drop gavels on their mates.

Banter

In men's WhatsApp groups, banter involves everything and anything under the sun. Sports. Babes. Flat earth. Conspiracy theories. Just jiving.

Even identical twins in men's WhatsApp groups have different opinions on everything. At times, for instance when it comes to football, if your team is a perennial bottler, then be prepared for the mother of all banters.

It can get heated during banter. However, nothing is ever personal. These are just mates exchanging friendly fire.

Still, there are times when fire can get out of hand and a brother can unceremoniously leave the group. But, in the spirit of brotherhood, he will be added back, whether he likes it or not. Nope. No brother, even the silent ones who hardly ever comment, will be left behind.

Business

If you are buying or selling anything - from a pin to an elephant - men's WhatsApp groups are the go-to free market.

Men's WhatsApp groups have all sorts of business-minded brothers; from backstreet hustlers to CEOs of Fortune 500 companies. When it's one of those Mondays and brothers in the group decide to share their business acumen, the gems they drop can extricate this country out of the hot economic mess it's in.

Brotherliness

There's no better space for good old fashioned brotherliness than men's WhatsApp groups. In this space that holds men from different backgrounds, guys genuinely cared about each other's welfare.

About five years ago, I was kicked out of my then church's men's WhatsApp group. Reason being I had not attended church for about two straight months. Unbeknownst to these undiscerning disciples, I was in depression. Talk about brotherly loathe.

Nothing like this can ever happen in men's WhatsApp groups. Unless a mate becomes a danger unto himself and others, his place in the group is always safe and secure … even if he goes AWOL for light years.

There you have it, Mrs. Donnie. I hope this “reveal” will save you from sleepless nights.